The Marriage of The Virgin Mary and St. Joseph
Arousal During NFP's Times of Abstinence
Expressions of Affection Within Marriage
WASHINGTON, D.C., OCT. 19, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Here is a question on ethics answered by the fellows of the Culture of Life Foundation.
Q: I'd like to ask a question about the appropriate place in marriage of sexually arousing behavior.
I'm getting married in November. I am presently taking an
antidepressant medication that could be dangerous for an unborn child.
My fiancé and I are planning on using NFP [Natural Family Planning] to
avoid pregnancy when we get married. Originally we were excited to
welcome a child right away into our life. But now that we know that the
medication might seriously harm any child we conceive, we are looking
into the legitimate options open to us for responsible family planning
(perhaps I'll be able to go off the medication later, maybe I can switch
medications, or maybe we'll always need to avoid and we will look into
adoption).
I am specifically interested in
answering the question whether or not we should avoid arousal after we
get married while we're abstaining, in the way we have been striving to
do during our courtship. I have read conflicting thoughts on this. I
(we) would be grateful for any help you can give us. And we would
appreciate your prayers!
William E. May and E. Christian Brugger reply:
A: You ask whether there is any obligation after you are married and
legitimately practicing periodic continence to avoid "arousal" during
the times when you believe you should abstain from engaging in the
conjugal act.
For the sake of clarity, we will presume that your belief is rooted
in a conscience judgment that you should not pursue pregnancy while you
are taking this medication. Pope Paul VI teaches that "serious reasons"
can justify such a judgment (Humanae Vitae, Nos. 16, 10); Pius XII uses
the term "serious motives" (Address to Italian Midwives, 1951); John
Paul II calls them "just reasons" (Theology of the Body, No. 125.3), and
Benedict XVI speaks about "grave circumstances" (Papal Message to
Humanae Vitae Congress, Oct. 2, 2008). Avoiding severe injury to a
gestating child clearly is a serious reason to abstain from intercourse
during fertile periods, and so without knowing further details, you do
seem justified in using NFP to avoid pregnancy.
By "arousal" we take you to mean sexual arousal that ordinarily leads
to genital intercourse. It is the kind of behavior that helps the male
have an erection and the female to receive him bodily into herself. This
behavior is, of course, good and upright for married couples to intend
when they are preparing for intercourse. We presume that you and your
fiancé are presently avoiding "arousal" behavior of this kind, and
rightly so, since you are not yet married.
It seems to us that a married couple, who judge they should not
engage in the conjugal act here and now, also should not deliberately
cause the kind of arousal befitting the preparation for intercourse, and
so should avoid arousal type of behavior. This does not exclude
ordinary expressions of affection. But behavior that deliberately causes
genital stimulation is more rightly considered "foreplay." It is likely
to put oneself (and one's spouse) into a proximate occasion of the
grave sin of masturbatory behavior; or to tempt the couple, in the heat
of the moment, to engage in intercourse against their prior moral
judgment that they should now abstain. We leave to you the judgments
about what types of behavior may elicit this kind of sexual arousal.
We warn against an overly scrupulous interpretation of what we've
said. A mark of a healthy relationship is the freedom between spouses to
love one another and express appropriate affection during "feast" or
"famine." If certain types of arousing behavior should be avoided during
times of abstinence, this emphatically does not mean that spouses
should be distant toward one another. There are a hundred ways to
express love and affection non-sexually that can deepen spousal unity
during these times: back scratches, foot rubs, hugs, sharing a glass of
red wine, watching a good video, taking a road trip, going out to
dinner. The most important thing is not to stop talking to one another.
Spouses, especially husbands, should not pout or act irritably during
times of abstinence because of the sacrifice entailed. It's not the
wife's fault -- "her darn fertility" -- that's making you sacrifice.
It's your collective moral judgment that this is the right thing to do.
As Christians, that moral conviction takes on a greatly enhanced
character in the understanding of God's will. This is what Jesus wills
for me -- for us -- right now. Embrace it and let it facilitate a growth
in charity, humility and self-control.
* * *
William E. May, is a Senior Fellow at the Culture of Life Foundation
and retired Michael J. McGivney Professor of Moral Theology at the John
Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family at The Catholic
University of America in Washington, D.C.
E. Christian Brugger is a Senior Fellow of Ethics and director of the Fellows Program at the Culture of Life Foundation; and the J. Francis Cardinal Stafford Chair of Moral Theology at St. John Vianney Theological Seminary in Denver, Colorado.
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bioethics@zenit.org. The text should include your initials, your city
and your state, province or country. The fellows at the Culture of Life Foundation will answer a select number of the questions that arrive.]
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